Saturday, October 16, 2010

How am I doing

How am I doing?
There are four pics of David on the desk right next to my computer. David is happy in these pics. Countless times each day I glance at these pics and wonder about David, my son.  David asked us not to be mad or grieve excessively.  And I'm not mad at him.

I do not completely understand how I am doing.  I only found out what happened to David nine days ago.  It seems to me that I should be hurting more.  But maybe I've grown a scab over my heart to protect myself?  Maybe I'm just numb?

Yesterday afternoon when I was sitting in the same place that David sat when he died, I actually felt OK.    No tears came, no crying.  That surprised me!  How long did David sit here, before he ended his life?  What was he thinking about in those last seconds?

Five million visitors
In the next day or so, my website counter will pass 5 million visits.  This event was going to be a special time.  A video recalling things that happened over the years was planned.  David's death has overshadowed a mere counter passing a number.  Five million does not seem important anymore.  By perspective,  it is not important at all.

4PM - House and garden work
Late this morning and early afternoon, I've been doing house and garden work around David's home. After fixing the lawn edger, a device that whirls a plastic wire very fast to cut stuff, I cleaned up the front yard. It looks pretty nice! Then I watered the backyard vegetation that is not automatically sprinklered.

It looks good. I believe that David would be happy with my work!

When am I going back to MsTioga?
Readers have sent email wondering when I am going to go search for adventure again with MsTioga?  The answer is, "I do not know?"

There is a line in a song from the stage play, Les Miserables. The song is, "I dreamed a dream".   The line in that song is: "And there are storms we cannot weather".

I have wondered about storms we cannot weather for many, many years.  And this storm that whirls around me now, this storm that has taken David from my life,  that storm may be one that changes everything for me. A storm that I cannot weather.

In the pic below is my family in Yosemite on Friday, March 20, 2009.  In our wildest dreams on that day in Yosemite, none of us knew that during the following year, David would be no more!
Joseph, Evie, David, George