Friday, October 08, 2010

Sleep

3AM - Sleep won't come!

Sleep will not come. I've taken three Nytol. Two is the maximum dose. And still sleep will not come. I've just spent some time in David's bedroom. Wandering around in my dead son's bedroom. I'm not sad. Somber maybe. Stunned? But there are no answers here in this bedroom where David, my son, will never sleep again.

David refloored his entire home. By hand. By himself. Tile by tile. It crosses my mind that a moment in the future is coming. A moment when I am still inside David's home. And the next moment I will be outside. Never to return here again. The new owner of this house will walk on the floor that David installed all by himself. This new owner may hear stories from neighbors about my son. My son who installed the floors. Who built the pool. And this new owner may wonder about David.

I will be far away by then. In my mind's eye I will see David here in his home as he was. Sitting in the hot tub. Mowing the lawn. Making breakfast for the children.  Preparing breakfast quickly.  So the kids could dash out the door and climb into the car.  I would be in the front seat with David as he drives the kids to school.  Then he drives to the BART station.

I give him a hug goodbye.  And he says, "I love you Dad.  I will phone you to pick me up when I am on the way home this afternoon.  I should be back here at around 5:20."  I watch David walk away.  First to buy a newspaper.  Then up the elevator to catch the BART train.




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