Monday, October 11, 2010

Trauma

Trauma of death
I believe that if my son David could talk to me now, that he would tell me, "It will all work out, Dad."  However, I have not suffered an emotional trauma as severe as this one in my entire life.  I'm eating and sleeping much less now.

Late this afternoon I was watching TV.  I thought I heard the garage door open and I thought to myself that David is coming home.  That is how it is for me many times during the day.  I forget that David is no longer alive.  And for an instant I am OK again.  Then reality floods back.

3AM - Beginning to close David's life
Up until now I have been familiarizing myself with David's stuff. Paying bills, taking care of plants, the swimming pool, the lawn.  I have been visiting foster kids to tell them about David.  This visiting is very traumatic.  Everybody crying.

A little while ago I made my first "things-to-do" list.  There are people to meet.  Things to arrange.

It gives me a lot of pleasure to write these blog posts to you.  Makes me feel connected.  Right after I make this post, I am going upstairs to go to bed.  I feel sufficiently exhausted now to be able to sleep without taking any pills.

4PM -  Some progress
I've talked to a couple real estate people today.  Before this home may go on the market the busted front door needs repairing.  So does the sliding screen door with the broken meshed cloth which leads to the back yard.

Slow but sure, each day brings some progress.

9PM - Dear David,
Just a few minutes ago one of your neighbors phoned. She lives just behind your home, a little bit down the hill.  Her son is one of the teenagers who hung around your home a lot.  Her son was a good friend with your foster kid Pedro.  I don't recall this mom's name, but I know that you know who she is.

During the phone call which lasted about half an hour, she told me how much you meant to her and her family.  She mentioned how you built your swimming pool mainly for the enjoyment of all your foster children and their friends.

Other friends of yours have been phoning or dropping by.  Yesterday evening, Pedro's mom Robin came by.  Robin brought a lovely card in which she spilled out her feelings of love for you.  Robin and I both cried and cried for the loss of you!  The other day when I went over to Pedro's home to let him know of your death, Pedro was terribly hurt.  Pedro told me he has a job now, and soon he will be going into the military to get the discipline that he needs.  Pedro told me that without you he would not have made it.  He said that he is going to be the best person possible in order to pay you back for all that you did for him.

Can you imagine that, David?  What a wonderful thing for you this is!



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