Tuesday, October 12, 2010

No sleep tonite

4AM - No sleep tonite!
I'm a very slow thinker.  Stuff takes a long time to gel in my brain before I make something of a situation.  Up until this morning, I was in a grieving mode.  Then I made the decision that I wanted to go thru every one of David's things.  At 2am I began in David's bedroom.

The police made a mess out of David's bedroom.  Everything is tossed this way and that.  I determined to put stuff back where it belonged.  I hung up a shirt on a hanger.  Put away a bath towel.  Shoes were tossed helter skelter all over David's bed and I put them one by one into the closet storage area for shoes. I got a plastic storage box to put kid's toys.  Another box for kid's clothes.

Then I began to find plastic bags filled with kid's socks.  Kid's underpants.  The bags were numbered.  5-6.  7-8.  5-6 years.  1-6 years.  9-10 years.  There was a bag labeled "Speedos" in David's handwriting.  There were dozens of these bags of socks and underwear!

I began to understand.  The county would phone up unexpectedly.  They had a kid, maybe two kids that needed placement right away.  Could David take them?  The kids were dumped on David with only the clothes they wore.  David bought all of these bags of socks and underwear to be prepared.  All that thinking and planning!  Just to be prepared for those kids that county brought to him at a moment's notice.

I began to be soooooo angry.  David did so much for his foster kids.  Planned for them.  Bought for them.  Even before they were brought to live with him, he was thinking about the kids, buying for them.  The injustice of what was done to David by storming his home and throwing all this kid's stuff all over the floor of his bedroom began to overwhelm me.

I'm no longer in grieving mode! .  I am in anger mode.  But what can I do with that anger that is now burning me up?  I can write to you about it.  Tell you about the terrible injustice done to David, my son!

7:30AM - Fixing David's car
Something is wrong with David's Acura car.  There is a clicking sound when the heater/air conditioning fan runs.  We are at Acura service in the City of Concord to find out what's in there and clear it out.

I was walking around the Acura lot when I saw a tech cleaning out a fan blade, and walked over to take a peek.  "Is this yours?", the tech asked me.  He showed me what was inside the fan.  It was a mother mouse and two of her babies.  Probably while David's Acura was parked in the forest for 18-days, the mother mouse went into the vent for protection from the rainy weather.  She got trapped in the fan and could not get out!

I thought about the little mouse wandering around David's car.  David was sitting there a few feet away leaning against a tree.  For 18 days my son's body stayed there in the forest.  Thru the rain, the nite, the cold, the heat of day.  While those of us who love David waited for him to return home.

9PM - Forever forty six
This evening I went out to supper with a dear friend.  She has been my friend for many years.  After supper, we hugged each other, said good bye, and went our separate ways.

As I was driving home, alone with my thoughts, of course my mind turned to David.  I pictured David in my mind's eye.  Young, happy and smiling at me.  It came to me that David will always look that way to me from now on.  Never aging.

Forever forty six years old for the rest of my life.  Wow!

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