Sunday, November 07, 2010


1AM - Blogging for emotional/psychological therapy
There is no doubt in my thinking, that for me, blogging is even better therapy than going to a shrink.  [I wonder if me posting this statement costs therapists all over the USA to lose patients?]

Only a few hours ago, the party that celebrated the life of my son Dave came to a close.  I posted yesterday that this party was a somber time for me.  I watched others at the party having a good time and eating the delicious food.  I seemed to be one of a few others at the party, who were not having a good time either.  I believe that we few were identifying with Dave.  Because Dave killed himself for reasons.  And those reasons were not happy things.  I am pretty sure that I don't know ALL those reasons.

After I made my last entry in my blog post yesterday, I cranked up the hot tub and soaked in the water for almost an hour.  I seem to be able to think things thru better in the tub.  I don't know why that is?  Could it be because I am close to Dave's spirit here in the water of the hot tub?  That hot tub that he enjoyed so much himself?

Note:  It is now 1:30am, and I cannot think well anymore.  I'll go get some sleep, and continue later.

8AM - Reader/friend Pete Olson
I've got a reader/friend named Pete Olson.  Pete has given me a great deal of support for several years.  I have come to depend on Pete for that support, and that is why I call him my friend.

Pete is a musician/composer.  He has a varied career and was a paramedic for a long time.  As a paramedic, Pete has had many, many experiences dealing with attempted suicides.  And these experiences have given him insight into the thinking of these attempted suicides.

You understand, that in my mind there is a dilemma here.  A defining dilemma.
  • On the one hand we have my son Dave, a mature extremely giving man with a brilliant mind.  A man who had a zillion friends and acquaintances.  David extended himself out for these friends and acquaintances, with love and consideration not commonly found in men.
  • On the other hand, we have my son Dave who was driven to suicide by the catalyst of having the police bust down his front door to serve a search warrant and interrogate Dave for 45 minutes.
Let me describe the situation as it occurred on Sunday morning, September 19th:
Two detectives from the Concord Police Department of Concord, California, serving a search warrant, found nobody answered the door to Dave's home.  The detectives using some kind of battering ram, broke thru the front door.  There was a window just to the side of that front door.  But the detectives chose to bust thru the front door instead of breaking the tiny window and simply reaching thru and opening the door.

The detectives rampaged thru Dave's lovely home making a mess of everything.  When Dave and his mom returned home together, the police did not charge Dave with anything.  But the two detectives spoke to him in private for 45 minutes.  Dave asked not to talk to them without an attorney present.  His US Constitutional right.  However, these two detectives talked to Dave anyway.  The detectives kept Dave's mom out on the front porch, so that she could not overhear what was said.

Whatever was said during those 45 minutes is not known.  The police will not tell me.  Dave told his mother after the police went away, "I am feeling very tired, I need to take a nap and then I am going to go to a hotel for the night.  Tomorrow I will get an attorney to help me."

Dave's mother described Dave as being very passive.  Just prior to the break-in of his home by police, Dave was happily enjoying the Greek Festival in Concord with his mom.  When I related to my own therapist how Dave's mom described Dave as being passive and tired, my therapist defined that as:
"A clear sign of shock and depression." 

Note: It is 9:30am now. I am going to make myself some breakfast. I'll return after eating and continue on about my dilemma. Also, why I am firmly convinced that the two detectives are responsible for my son Dave's suicide.

The Perfect Victim
My son Dave was the perfect victim for the police.  An extremely kind and sensitive man, with a propensity to take responsibility and take action against things that he believed wrong.  Especially for instances of wrongs against children.  And here we have an instance where Dave, the champion for wrongs against children, being charged by police as having wronged a child himself!

Incredibly, Dave bought into it.  Dave, The Perfect Victim for police, now in shock and depression, was not thinking right.  All of his life Dave's mind had been his most valuable asset.  But now, in the confusion brought on by shock and depression, Dave's own mind turned against him.  When he needed his mind to be clear at the most critical moment in his entire life, Dave's brilliant mind failed him.

The answer to my dilemma!
Now we have all the pieces clearly laid out so as to understand the dilemma of Dave.  A mature, capable, friendly guy, not the kind of guy one would take as a person who would commit suicide.  Yet now we may see and understand clearly what happened to get Dave to kill himself.

The police thru their bumbling, did not even look at or consider the circumstances behind the search warrant.  If they had, they would have known, or should have known, that a person with a long criminal record was behind the accusation which created that search warrant.  She is a drug user, a child abuser.  She is a person who took drugs during her pregnancy, causing both her own sons to be born brain damaged.

Why didn't Dave change his suicide decision?
Dave had plenty of time to change his decision to suicide.  He made that decision on Sunday, September 19th while camping overnite at Mount Diablo State Park's "Juniper Campground".  It was at Juniper, where Dave wrote his suicide note.

I do not believe that Dave even reviewed or questioned his decision to kill himself once he wrote his suicide note.  I know Dave very well.  Once he has thought out something, that is it.  It would take a lot to get him to change his mind.  Since he consulted with nobody, there was nobody around to counter his decision.

The following morning when the north gate of the Park opened at 8am, Dave left Juniper Campground and drove to his home. Dave got his 22 caliber pistol and then drove to Calaveras Big Trees State Park.  Along the way, Dave bought a carton of ammunition for the pistol.

It is a three hour trip from Concord to Big Trees.  There is not a doubt in my mind that Dave even remotely considered the ramifications of his suicide while he drove.  Still in depression and shock, he simply made the trip only thinking about the end of his life.  Where he would do that end, and when it would happen.

I believe that Dave picked Big Trees Park because he had enjoyed many wonderful times there with his foster kids.  In fact, when Dave was a boy, we went to Big Trees together, his mom, brother and myself.  I remember that clearly, because I forgot the tent poles for our cabin tent.

Also, just four miles down the mountain from Big Trees, is the little town of Arnold.  My woman friend and I bought a cabin there in the late 1980s.  That is where Dave met this friend's grandson.  With that meeting of the five year old grandson, Dave changed his mind forever about not wanting children of his own.  The wonderful relationship Dave had with this five year old boy, led to Dave becoming a foster parent in Contra Costa County for the past 16 years.

Ranger finds Dave
According to the ranger who found Dave's body, that ranger believes that Dave killed himself right at sundown.

The ranger told me:
"Just as the sun went down behind the trees and set, your son pulled the trigger ending his life."

"Your son positioned himself so that he was facing directly at the place where the sun set.  He must have been sitting there, leaning against that tree for a long time.  Because he put a backpack under his legs, to raise his legs up so he was more comfortable while waiting for his last sunset."