Saturday, December 04, 2010

Hot Tub

1AM - Hot Tub
There are those who believe that when something terrible happens, we should put it behind us and move on.   I'm not part of that group.  I deal with terrible events the exact same way that I now live every day of my life.

Do you remember when I wrote "Annual Goals?" [link].  Tune into my Annual Goals page.  That is how I deal with terrible things.  Including my most terrible thing, the suicide of my son, Dave.

It seems to me, that every second of my life is exactly as important as every other second of my life.  My goal is to be soooooo sensitive to the passing seconds of my day, that I don't miss anything that happens.  A bit of an impossible goal, yes?  However, trying to achieve this goal brings me closer to where I want to be than I would be without this goal!

Late yesterday evening I turned on the hot tub.  Then, went to answer some email and promptly fell asleep at Mr. HP, my friendly computer.  It was about 1am when I woke up.  Remembering that the hot tub was on, and how much I love to be in that hot water, off I went for a soak!

Some time ago, it might have been in 2010, or maybe 2009, I was standing in the sliding glass doorway of Dave's home.  Looking out I saw Dave in the hot tub.  He was looking at me, and I was looking at him.  It must have been during the day, because in my mind's eye, I see Dave with his dark shades on [how could Dave wear shades in the hot tub? Wouldn't they steam up?].

Dave looked at me for the longest time, and I looked back at him.  It occurred to me then, that Dave wanted me to join him in the hot tub.  But I did not go.  At that time, hot tubs were not attractive to me.  Now, every single time that I go into Dave's hot tub, my mind turns to that day when we looked at each other for the longest time.  Dave in his hot tub, me in the sliding glass doorway.

What would have happened if I had joined Dave in the hot tub that day?  A single moment in time.  Left behind.  A decision not made.  But tonite we made up for that time long ago.  Dave joined me in his hot tub.  And we talked and talked and talked some more.